'If anyone should have been protected it was me. Now, of course, I realise that’s not how it works. Anybody can become a victim' Even though I was a money expert I was still the victim of financial abuse – here’s what to do if you are too ⬇️
In the end it felt easier just to accept his rules and try to work with them rather than challenge them. I stopped buying anything for myself, and started hiding any spending on the children.
This wasn’t the kind of financial abuse where he stole from me, handled all my money or refused to let me work. He would just argue me into a position where I felt I had no option but to do what he wanted. I can see now that this wasn’t normal, but at the time it was far harder to spot. Not only did it ramp up slowly, but he spent an enormous amount of time and effort convincing me that he was only being reasonable or thoughtful about the family finances, and that the only real problem was my need to be in control of my own money.
It took me a while to pluck up the courage to leave. I was terrified about being on my own while the children were still young enough to need childcare, because I couldn’t see how I could afford it. However, I was incredibly lucky. I had a supportive family who were prepared to go to the ends of the earth for me and who provided me with the emotional and financial safety net I needed.
The experience knocked my confidence and has permanently made me more anxious. I don’t really look forward to the fun things in life, because there’s always the fear someone will take them away from me at the last minute. However, it has also made me much less judgmental about the decisions other people make. I know now that we all make mistakes. Judging people for them doesn’t help: all we can do is be there for those we love when they need our help.
If you are a victim of financial abuse, there are steps you can take to help, including talking to your bank. Most banks have signed up the financial abuse code of practice that UK Finance first published in 2018.
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