When I asked my stylish sweetie to help me dress better, it sometimes felt like negotiating with the patriarchy in real time. But now, I have a new understanding of what it means to feel desired and understood—and a killer wardrobe, too
want to be desired, especially by my lover, so I started dressing sexier. I liked how I looked and so did he, and the whole experience genuinely made me feel very hot. I loved to walk around stores with him—trying things on, knowing that he was thinking about what would look good on my body, knowing that he saw my beauty and appreciated it.
And then, all of a sudden, I was in a dressing room fitting into a dress in size “conventionally hot woman of the early 2000s.” Seeing how my slimmer body looked in these clothes made me feel really good, and the fact that it made me feel really good made me feel really bad. I wondered if I’d relapsed and somehow wasn’t aware. I ran this nebulous sense of unease past my lover, who had no idea why I was so freaked out.
The experiment was also complicated by the fact that some of the things he suggested I do—like wear my hair half-up or wear hoop earrings—looked a lot like how his ex dressed. I wondered if he thought those things were hot because of her, or if she wore those things because he suggested it. I wondered if I even had the right to wonder, because here I was, Kim Novak essentially asking to beSlowly, though, the way I dressed changed. My pants got tighter; my clothes got more colourful.
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