Up to 88 per cent of sexual assaults aren’t acknowledged by the victims. One writer explains how it feels to be one of them.
“I understand – a similar thing happened to me,” my friend responded. “It took working in a sexual assault clinic, where all these women were coming in with stories like mine, to comprehend that that’s what it was.”against women is carried out by a partner or an ex-partner. It’s a staggering statistic, and one that I only discovered during some voracious googling after that fateful gynaecology appointment. And yet, it’s not a number that really surprised me.
After I finally worked up the courage to break up with my ex, I spent months vomiting aggressively: sometimes unprompted, often deliberately. I had this very specific feeling that if I emptied myself out enough then maybe I could erase what had happened, too – despite the fact that, even while my fingers were halfway down my throat, I wasn’t quite willing to admit what exactly that was.
The hard reality of all of this is that I’m sure he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. I’m certain if I tracked him down and uttered those words – “sexual assault” – that he would recoil, reject it, maybe even rage. Because, ultimately, it would be my word against his, as it so often is in situations like these.
It does seem like a baptism of fire to deny something for years, only to go ahead and write about it, but as Nora Ephron says in: “If I tell the story, it doesn’t hurt as much. If I tell the story, I can get on with it.
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