“Mums worry about us being happy because often they want that for us even more than we do. The issue is that, in worrying, they often make us feel even worse.”
Plus, she always sums up situations with blunt, brutal conclusions like “he was always threatened by you” that don’t feel true to my experiences. And then she’ll change her mind about these conclusions and form new ones, and we will keep on diagnosing and rediagnosing until it’s actually weird how much we’ve both thought about this man. And sometimes she says things that make me feelsad, like when, the other day, she said, “Oh, I just wish there was a nice man to walk you home.
“I don’t tell my mum anything anymore for this exact reason,” my friend replies to my voice note. “Otherwise you end up carrying the weight of two people’s thoughts, fears, expectations. And, until you get to a place where you’re able to not take those on board , it’s good to evaluate what information you give to her, when.”
I know my friend is right – the only way around this is to put some sort of boundary in place. I ring my mum later in the day when I’m back from the gym and tell her that I just think it’s best if we stop talking about the men I’m dating until there’s something concrete going on because I feel like I’m letting her down when it’s not going well.
I forget that people over 50 don’t know what the fuck you’re going on about when you talk about setting boundaries.I tell her I’m not angry for what feels like the 48th time and then she heaves out a big sigh and says, “I just want you to be happy.” And then I realise: that’s the problem. Mums tend to love us more than we love ourselves. They literally give their bodies to us, letting us stretch their skin until it rips, their feet swelling until they can’t fit into shoes.
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