“How could I be so intellectually and politically ambivalent towards marriage, while also being surer than anything that it was what I wanted for myself?”
I am not the only queer person to have this conundrum of “head versus heart” when it comes to marriage. In her book, Amelia Abraham grapples with these ideas constantly, saying how she and her friends “opted for what we saw as queerer ways of living: rejecting conformity, making irresponsible decisions, attempting to be more free”. Except then she met someone who made her hold these ideas in her hand and turn them around, even just briefly.
But it isn’t just queer people who struggle with the concept of marriage, politically and personally. I know plenty of straight women in particular who say that they’d never get married. For so long, marriage was a business-like arrangement that allowed men to practically own their wives. And while this isn’t the case in the UK today – in theory, at least – the bitter taste still lingers.
Paradoxically, though, I also wonder whether marriage means more to me as a queer person than it would had I been straight – and whether the idea of being married to a straight man might have felt different, too. I don’t believe in the institution of marriage in the same way past generations might have done. But getting married to another woman also feels like a little fuck you in the same way my love sometimes does.
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